Baby Showers

I have been to at least 10 baby showers this year. Everyone is having babies. I have now realized that baby showers bother me a bit emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for the ladies who have had or are having babies this year. I know they are feeling great joy. I remember what it was like. I just find myself getting upset after these events. I told my mom this today. She seemed shocked. It's ok. Luke is a great joy in my life, but he also a traumatic event in my life. This is going to sound really bad to people who do not have a child or children with disabilities. It is how I feel, though. It is traumatic to me to know that I will never have the same kind of relationship with him that other mothers have with their sons. It is truly sad to me. I have an interesting relationship with Luke. Sometimes, I know that he knows me. Other times, he barely seems to care about my existance. I feel powerless. I feel not needed, yet I know that I am needed.
It is a constant fight between my optimism and my fears and pain. It is something I go through in my head daily. Then, I feel guilty for even going through it. There is no talking myself out of these feelings, though. I have tried it. So, if you are one of the ladies whose baby shower I have attended this year, please do not feel sorry for me. Please do not feel awkward around me. I may have some pain in my life, but I do count it all joy. This is something I was meant to do. I was meant to be Luke's mom. I was meant to go through this so I might understand what other mothers of children with disabilities have gone through and are going through. Yes, I do acknowledge my pain. I do acknowledge my fear, but neither my pain or fears are running my life. I have faith... even without sight.