The Untitled One

I love this picture of my little ones. They are so precious. I have really gotten in touch with how much I adore my children and how I am so thankful to have them in my life. Each one has brought so many blessings into my life. I am really emotional this Christmas. I am really trying to treasure every sweet moment. I am missing my father. I am missing old friends. I wish that I could share some of these moments with my father or my grandmother who lives in Tampa.
I am thankful to have my mother, second father, and grandmother (among others) here in Milton with me. It would be so hard if they were not here. I do miss my friends and family in Tampa and in Texas, though.
I wish I had someone I could really talk to. Someone who would listen to my fears and frustrations and who would still love me and support me. I have been put into some situations lately where another mother is going through some tough things with her child. I am glad to be friends with this mother. I want to provide some comfort and encouragement. The frustration I have is that she is getting so much support from others. I really have not had much friend support with Luke. My mother is there for me, but the support is different. I am so thankful for Mom, but I wish that some of the people who call themselves friends of mine would provide some prayer and support.
I took Luke to the doctor two days ago and found out that he has not gained any weight for over 6 months and has not grown like he should be growing. I asked this doctor if I should be worried about this and she said I should definitely be worried. So, we get to go see another doctor to figure out why he isn't growing. I feel like it is all my fault. I get so frustrated! He can't eat table foods. He even gets choked up on soft chunks, so I have to puree everything. His body doesn't react correctly to dairy or wheat products, so his diet is really restrictive. Of course, he is not getting the calories he needs. He can't eat the foods with the bulk of the calories. Is my son ever going to show growth in this area?
I had a dream a week ago. It was terrifying. I need to open up. I feel as if I am trapped in a box.

Memories

This picture was from almost 2 years ago. I have spent some time looking at pictures from the past 4 years (pictures taken after meeting Marty). Luke was a beautiful baby- he still is. His skin is so pretty and his hair is so thick and curly. I strain to remember when the girls were babies. I enjoyed them so much. I loved watching them learn how to crawl, play with their toys, learn how to pull up and walk. I expected those things to happen with the girls and so, when they did happen, I wasn't surprised. I was happy, but I didn't really celebrate the milestones.

With Luke it is different. When he rolled over, I celebrated. When he started army crawling, I counted it as a victory. When he began crawling, I took videos and pictures. My heart longs for him to hit other milestones. I so badly want to hear him talk. My heart longs to hear him say, "Mommy". I look forward to the day when he will walk.

Sometimes, it is easy to become discouraged. The days when I don't see growth make me question. Lately, I haven't seen growth. I have actually seen some regression. He is beginning to choke on his food more. He is constantly congested. He seems disconnected lately. I hate it. I feel like he has to fight to grow. I feel like I have to fight to see him grow. We cannot afford lost time. He needs certain therapies. I am having to fight to get him into them.

The more I am finding out and learning about the world of disabilities, I am becoming more resolved to make a difference. Parents and their children with disabilities need many people to advocate for them. I am pushing through hurt and worry and choosing to position myself where I can make a difference. Oh, that God would open doors for me to help others!