Emotions. Stupidity.

I cannot seem to focus for the life of me. I am in a funk. It's almost as if I am going through the stages of grief again with Luke's situation. I am floating somewhere between sad and angry. I guess I am overwhelmed. I spend all day, every day, taking care of other people. These people need love and care and dedication from me. I do not receive anything back. I try not to expect to get anything in return for my dedication and work. I just find myself feeling completely worn out and desperate for... well, honestly, I don't even know what I am desperate for. I guess I can say I need TLC.

So, we now have a complete diagnosis. The diagnosis is really three separate, but linked, disabilities- 1. chromosomal deletion syndrome, 2. Intellectual Disability, and 3. ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). I am happy with the diagnosis and I feel that it will meet the needs for gaining specific services. So, now Luke is eligible to receive ABA services, but our insurance company does not cover ABA services... yet. This totally pisses me off (excuse the strong language). BCBS state-level covers therapy. BCBS federal does not. I have seen children who were at the same developmental stage as Luke make great gains with ABA therapy. So, yet another wall. Stupidity. I saw something that said that raising a child with autism will cost approximately 2.1 million dollars over the child's lifetime. That is the reason that insurance companies are resisting providing coverage. I would like to calculate how much an average person pays out to insurance companies each month during their lifetime compared to how much an average person costs. I am just curious. I bet there is some data out there on that. I will google it :)

It's been a while since I just wrote out everything I am thinking and feeling. I have just been burying it. I have been too busy to allow myself to process my own thoughts and feelings. Now, I just really don't have a choice. Emotions are starting to overflow, so I need to bring myself down to earth.

The biggest challenge I am dealing with right now is how lonely I feel. Family life is busy. The three older kids are all going in different directions and need a lot of parental guidance while in their tweens. Marty works two jobs and is gone at least 60 hours a week. I am working 30 hours a week, but with drive time and everything, I am gone 40-50 hours a week. Marty and I have not had alone time in almost a year and it is causing some issues in our marriage. We feel so distant from each other. I feel like I am fighting the Luke thing alone. Marty and I both have a lot brewing on the inside and we basically don't communicate anymore. It's really a tough time right now. We are desperate for alone time, but see no relief in sight. Money is tight, time is at a premium.

The second issue with my feeling of loneliness is that I feel scared to develop friendships. For one, ladies my age have children. Like the ladies in my Sunday school class have children- beautiful, neurotypical children. It truly is impossible for them to understand how I feel as a parent. I am totally understanding of this. I don't know. I just have a problem accepting the challenges that I face. I guess that is why I am so comfortable with the population I work with. I understand what challenges each family face. I live the life. I don't have to be faced with what I could have- an almost 7 year old boy who walks and talks and does boy stuff. I grieve for that.

I may need to write more later.