Safe Place

My safe place does not have walls. It is not a physical place that can be felt or seen. This place is somewhere deep inside- somewhere inside me. I go to this place quite often. It is a comfortable place. I have read somewhere that mothers of children with disabilities can have something called "Mask Syndrome". Honestly, I think anyone can have this syndrome. We all put on a mask that we sometimes hide behind. To others around us, we are happy and we are strong. Our lives are just fine. There is nothing wrong. On the outside, all is ok, but inside we are in so much pain.

I can tend to wear that mask. In some ways, wearing a mask is ok. There are not many people who can handle all of the trouble that you are dealing with inside. I don't really want to admit that I am dealing with pain. I just stay away from thinking about the pain I deal with. I am more comfortable writing through it.

I deeply love all of my children. Each one of them present challenges that are unique to them. Luke's challenges can, sometimes, overwhelm every other challenge in my life. I try to not let it overwhelm me, but there are times in which it cannot be helped.

I took Luke to the chiropractor today. Luke was in a good mood, but he was pretty stimmy and was quite loud. I actually began to feel embarrassed. The chiropractor enjoyed Luke and Luke thought his little back popper tool was awesome, yet I felt stressed. I know my affect reflected what I was feeling. Knowing that the doctor could see this made me feel even more embarrassed.

Why is it that I cannot get over my emotions? It's like my feelings cycle. Sometimes I am ok with everything. I go for weeks without feeling stressed about Luke. Then, it changes. I get so mentally exhausted. It is only when mental exhaustion sets in that I begin to feel like I cannot go through this stuff with Luke alone, yet I am alone. I go to every appointment. I have been to every IEP meeting. I read the notes from school and then respond. I need to have some fun. I need to enjoy my life. Everyday, I focus on God. Anytime I am tempted to let myself sink into a funk, I think of all God has done for me. I am continuing to focus on God today, but I felt that I must get all of this out. It is impossible to continue forward movement when pain is holding you back.