The Broken Record That Plays

Every doctors visit is the same. "He obviously has a syndrome.", they say. We might not ever find out what it is because all tests have come back normal. I no longer make appointments that are not really needed. We no longer have testing done unless there is a true medical reason. Many other parents would be happy with the fact that their child does not have a diagnosis. A diagnosis doesn't change a thing. It just gives a name to what is going on with your child. For me, hearing the broken record play over and over again makes me feel a bit hopeless. Saying something like "He has autism." or "He has _____." would give me a way to explain why my child acts the way he does. It shouldn't bother me when people look at my child with questions in their eyes, yet it does.

I can't explain why I feel the way I do. I feel hopeless in my situation with Luke, yet I have so much hope because of my God. How is it that I can feel two separate ways? Am I not a true Christian because I feel pain and I grieve over my son? Questions that will no longer matter once I reach heaven's gates flood my mind constantly. Ah, this human nature- it is joyful and painful.

Luke enters Pre-K in two weeks. I am anxious. He is my baby. He is my last born. I want to shelter him. I know, in reality, that I cannot shelter him forever. God bless parents of children with illness and/or disabilities. God bless the mothers who long for answers. I am thankful for the hope of heaven. My sons and daughters will be made whole in God's presence. I will be dancing and singing in the Hallelujah Choir.